Difficulty Having an Orgasm? Try these 5 tips
Several of my friends have approached me and asked, “Laura, I get really close to having an orgasm and then sometimes I just can’t get there. What is wrong with me?”
First off, I would just like to say that nothing is wrong with you. Your vulva and vagina are wonderful and they function the way they should. What might be happening is a discoordination of your pelvic floor muscles. During an orgasm our pelvic floor muscles rapidly contract and relax. If we have a difficult time contracting and/or relaxing our muscles, experiencing an orgasm can be really difficult. Here are a few tips to help if you’re having a difficult time reaching climax:
Practice contracting pelvic floor muscles and then also relaxing your pelvic floor muscles. Oftentimes we can contract (kegels) but the relaxing part is really difficult. We may think that we are relaxing, but we may not be completely. Relaxing the pelvic floor is letting the muscles drop down to the bottom of the pelvic girdle. Almost as if we’re initiating a urine stream, but not quite that far. If we’ve never practiced, this can be really difficult. This is why it’s important to see a pelvic floor therapist so they can help you with that.
See a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. Due to all the reasons stated above, it can be really helpful to see a therapist who can help you relax your pelvic floor after contracting and working on coordination. If difficulty achieving an orgasm is your only symptom, you probably won’t need more than a few sessions... if you’re loyal to your home exercise program. If you’re in Arizona, contact me! www.deserthealingandpelvichealth.com
Masturbation or Solo Sexy Time (SST). See if you have a hard time achieving an orgasm during SST. If you’re having a hard time reaching it on your own, you can practice gently pausing as you’re about to climax and deep breathe. You may notice your pelvic floor is clenched, and if it is, continue to practice deep breathing and releasing the muscles. Once you feel the muscles release and relax, continue to breathe and resume SST. Practice this until you reach the climax. Practicing this technique can help during intercourse with a partner. You should just let your partner know what you need (a break, gentle pause, deep breath, loving affirmation, etc.)
Communication with your partner - speaking to your partner about what is happening is super important. It can feel uncomfortable to talk during intercourse for some people. It feels really vulnerable. Communication is the best lubrication. If talking things out with your partner is uncomfortable during intercourse, start by talking about it after intercourse. Do a little reflection or play by play recall of what went down, what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you want more of, and what you want less of. You’re allowed to have wants and needs and you’re allowed to get those wants and needs met by your partner.
Seek psychotherapy or counseling. Sometimes we have a hard time reaching climax or having an orgasm due to past traumatic experiences. I often struggle with it, not because of pelvic floor discoordination, but because of traumatic memories popping up in my mind and body during intercourse. Working with a therapist has helped me process some traumatic sexual molestation and helps me remember I am safe. That was then and this is now. During intercourse I'll often have to pause, relax my pelvic floor, look my partner in the eyes, deep breathe, remind myself I am here, I want to be here, and I am safe. Sometimes it takes a few long moments of pausing, breathing, and being held. Feeling safe with a partner and vulnerable communication is very important. Research shows that seeking psychotherapy while also pelvic physical therapy helps the most with optimal outcomes when it comes to sexual dysfunction.
This road may feel tedious or frustrating. I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I know. You are not alone, and I am here for you. There is hope. There is healing. There is orgasmic + blissful sex. We’ve got this.
Xx Dr. Laura